The Fourth Mile: Fat Girl Running Diary – Entry #2

This is gonna be challenging, but great!

1st mile mark

This ain’t so bad! I’ve got this! 

2nd mile mark

What do you mean I have to do this for 11.1 more miles in November? *gasp* 

3rd mile mark

You can’t even get through a 5K without walking some of it. You are an idiot for signing up for the half marathon. What were you thinking? *gasp*

3.25 mile mark

*DING* “You are at your half way point on your 6.5 mile run today. Great job!”

Just call Disney and defer to next year. It’s better not to humiliate yourself when the golf cart comes and picks your slow ass up in front of your friends and family. *gasp, gasp, gasp*

Furthermore, why are you even trying? This is stupid. Just walk, Kate. Just walk this portion. Your run/walk times are getting slower anyway. Just give up. 

4th mile mark

Just give up, Kate. You have no business being out here.  That’s it. Who cares if the timer says it’s time to run again, just walk it out…wait, what are you doing?

5th mile mark

You’re still doing this? WTF? 

*DING*”You’ve just finished your fastest mile, congratulations!”

6th mile mark

“I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.”

6.5 mile mark

Damn straight. *small celebratory weeping followed by gratuitous sweat picture*

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You see what happens in the dialogue from mile two to mile three? The word “I” turns into “You.”  I seriously want to punch the inner drill instructor who just yells at me and tells me to quit.  I’ve been thinking about this the last few days. Why do I do this to myself? (The yelling, not the running.) It’s almost like I need to break myself to rise above another challenge.

I ran into this same voice when completing my first Warrior Dash in July. In one of the moments I’m most ashamed and most proud of, I came to this obstacle:

When the obstacle first opened in the morning, the mud and water only came up to your ankles. By the time I finished the OMGWTFBBQ last mile mountain climb around 1:00 PM, the mud was freezing and up to your waist. The ways out were brown, 75 degree incline Slip’N Slides that laughed at you when you fell back into the pit ass first.  Despite watching people jumping into the mud pit of despair and coming out with one shoe, or half a soul, I was like, LETS DO THIS, and jumped right in. The way down was hella fun. Then…

Cue sad, slow-motion apocalyptic music montage. There were tears and twenty goddamn minutes of me softly braying that I was never, ever going to emerge on the other side (or any side) of this pit of death.

WHY THE HELL HASN’T ANYONE THROWN IN A ROPE? OH DEAR GOD NO, PLEASE NOT ANOTHER WAVE OF PEOPLE JUMPING IN AT THE SAME TI…OW, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY LEG. THAT’S MY LEG. YES, MY LEG. NO, I’M JUST STANDING HERE CRYING MUD TEARS BECAUSE I WANT TO THAT’S WHY! THEY WILL FIND MY BODY IN A FEW DAYS. TELL MY KIDS I LOVE THEM.

Why, Kate? Why couldn’t you emerge from the shoe and soul sucking place of dead dreams and leaky confidence?

Because in there, the drill instructor won.

I wasn’t good enough. I was too fat. No one wants to help me. No one has the strength to pull up 285lbs.

But, Kate, you just climbed over THIS obstacle:

(And you went OVER it, not through it and ripped the skin off of both of your knees to do it when the drop became more of a slide, but NEVERMIND THAT.)

So yeah, in the pit, none of that mattered. No accomplishments. None of the work that I did to get there. I was defeated. Some part of me really worried they would end the race, everyone would go home and I’d have to spend the night in the cold water as the mud souls of fallen warriors and nasty mismatched shoes infected my skinned knees.

I was devastated.

Then, something happened.

There was one side of the pit that no one dared to climb. It was taller than the rest, and very unstable. I spied a Kate-sized foot hold and looked up. (Size 11W shoes, bitches.)

“Come on, we’ve got you.”

You can’t. You are too heavy. You’ll just pull them in. You can’t lift yourself out. Don’t keep staring at that foothold. Accept your fate.

“You sure? I’m kinda heavy.”

“We got you.”

I stuck my foot in the sloshy side of the pit, reached up my hands, jammed my knee against another small outcropping, pushed as they pulled, lifted the foot, smooshed my body against the wall and continued to push. What seemed like an eternity, but was probably only ten seconds, felt incredible as I pushed and was lifted by these Warriors uknown up and out of the unforgiving tomb.

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So yeah.

Fuck you, inner Drill Instructor. Yell all you want.  I know there will be hard days. I know I will sometimes fail, but I’ll be damned if I ever give up again.

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7 thoughts on “The Fourth Mile: Fat Girl Running Diary – Entry #2

  1. Cindy says:

    oh.my.gosh. Awesome, Kate. You’ve got this. It all starts in your head. Great. Now I’m going to have to find another partner for the Down & Dirty next year. You’re going to leave me in your dust!!!!

  2. Anne C. says:

    You are a beautiful, strong warrior woman. I love that you are open about your experiences because one of the lies that inner demon tells you is “everyone else is doing fine, why are you struggling?” Everyone else is battling their own fucked up drill sergeant too and you’re proof of that. I honor you for your courage!

  3. Kate, you’re awesome and an inspiration! I’ll think of this tonight when the kids are finally in bed and I don’t feel like going out to exercise. My inner drill instructor kept my butt in a chair last night, you’ve helped to make sure I won’t be doing that tonight. Thanks!

  4. Dear Kate,

    You are beyond awesome. You remind me that I’ve got to get my ass moving again. Part of me will narrow my eyes in displeasure at that, but the rest of me thanks you.

    Sincerely,
    Carol Elaine
    (Love and hugs!)

  5. Fred Turner says:

    Kate, I’m a runner. I run half marathons. I’m not great at it and never have been.
    The reason I do it is because it makes me feel good about myself. It gives me and only me an overwhelming sense of achievement.
    The thing is this; at an event I see people of all shapes, sizes and abilities. Big people, small people, old, young, fast and slow people. People that look as if they should be in team GB and people that look like they should not have left their bed that day.
    I admire every single damned one of them.
    Anyone who has the bollocks to get off their arse, get out there and do it is worthy (and I really do mean ‘worthy’) of praise.
    I realise your blog entry on this was a few months old so I hope you have kept at it, because finishing that race is so worth it.

    Fred

  6. Brad says:

    Thank you for sharing your experiences, Kate. So many people never get to realize the happiness and sense of accomplishment you’ve achieved thus far in your training because that inner drill instructor breaks them down before they even put their tennis shoes on.

    My best opportunity to exercise is during my lunch break when I’m not traveling. Just yesterday, I had prepared my “gym” bag in advance, saw the clock strike 1100 hours (time for “lunch”), and felt the effects of a late night and caffeine withdrawal creep into my joints, telling me, “It’s chilly and windy outside, it might rain on you, and you have A LOT of work to accomplish in a short amount of time. You don’t HAVE to run TODAY.”

    I let that brain battle take place for a few minutes. Then while thinking about that scene in the movie “The Bourne Legacy” when Edward Norton’s character is running in the rain in the wee hours of the morning, I realized how to overcome the inner enemy. I told myself that I’m not going to run because it’s good for my health, because it gives me stamina to play well with my children, or because it is preparing me for my first marathon this fall season. I told myself that I’m going to run because I DON’T want to do it.

    Not only did I win that battle, but I ran the furthest distance so far in my training, and it didn’t feel like it was as hard as the previous runs.

    Keep winning, Kate!

    You are an inspiration to others.

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