From Me to Me at 281.7

About nine months ago on March 7th, I started a weight loss journey. I weighed 326lbs. My health was failing, I was far more depressed than I was happy. I could not sleep. I’d wake up with pain. I used food to cure everything, and instead it gave me more problems. Every day, I’d wake up and the war would start again. I’d tell myself that I could have a good day. That everything would be fine. That I could get through the day without going insane with food.

I finally started to do something about it. I started a meal replacement plan. I figured that the only way to fix myself was to wipe the slate clean. To retrain myself and rewrite habits. It was and continues to be the hardest thing  to face every day. I fail. A lot.

Today, I weighed myself. I am 281.7 lbs.

Some of you who don’t know the background are probably thinking that 45 lbs is damn good in 9 months. And it is. But, the sad truth is that 281.7 is up from where I was in September.

I returned home from Worldcon in Chicago at 274. I proceeded to get sick(unrelated to weight loss) and was in the hospital for 14 days. I had pieces of me taken out. I lost more weight and was down to 258. I had to start everything from scratch. My eating habits were broken. They did not let me have anything to eat for 12 days and pumped me full of fluids. Naturally, the first thing I did when I got home and started recovery was eat like a pig.

I couldn’t exercise either, which put a damper on my mood and spirit. I ate more to compensate for those feelings. See the cycle?

So I made a deal. Yes, another deal with myself. You see, people like us make constant deals to circumvent progress.

“I’ll start tomorrow.”

“One cookie (which turns in to 10) won’t hurt.”

“I’ll work doubly hard tomorrow.”

I made a deal that I’d start the diet again and the exercise regime after the holidays. Until then, gluttony was totally okay because everything would be fixed come January 2nd, 2013 . That would be the first day.

I regret that decision a lot. (People like us do that a lot too.) I have a lot of ground to make up. However, the first day has been okay. Hard, but okay. Despite the appetite suppressant and following the diet and the moderate exercise I did, my stomach wants more. It’s angry and hates me. It tells me so.  A side effect of training it to want and demand more.

At 326, I made a video as to why I was doing this. What I wanted to accomplish. Perhaps I will share that with you some day.

At 281.7, I made another video that I am electing to post. As a reminder of how far I’ve come, how far I’d like to go, why I am starting again and where I’d like to be.

Say what you will, but recording the video has not only sparked the desire once again, but my fingers  have been too busy typing  and not shoving shit in my mouth.

So here I am. From me to me at 281.7.

It’s not for you to enjoy, but to listen, understand and for those of you who are struggling with the same thing, to emphasize that you are most certainly, not alone.

From Me to Me at 281.7 from Kate Baker on Vimeo.

11 thoughts on “From Me to Me at 281.7

  1. Brad says:

    Great Video! All so true – I’m on the same road as you…work at it and then stop – work then stop. Poor choices of food….and full of excuses of why or why not. Losing 100 would be so great…sounds great but some part of my brain just gets distracted and poof…back to the poor habits. Today I ate slightly better but will I tomorrow? Or will I go for the quick less healthy meal or snack on a sleeve of cookies and not exercise.

    Proud of you for what you have done so far and having the courage to video it for everyone so they can see they aren’t alone out there struggling with this. Keep up the positive journey!
    HUGS

  2. Losing weight is very hard. It’s doable, but hard.

    Between early 1996 and this fall, I lost 65 pounds, mostly from small changes in my eating habits and increasing my activity. Still being unemployed last year, I walked even more, started to track my walking on MapMyWalk (strongly recommended).

    Then I got sick last year, sick enough that I lost 10 pounds in about 2 weeks. Lost another 5 pounds from diet and exercise, then had surgery over the summer where I lost about another 5 pounds. I was lucky after the surgery in that I could (and did) eat a lot for 2 weeks and didn’t gain any weight. But, I was able to resume my walking pretty quickly post-op, and was operating at about 95% by the time I got to Worldcon. Gained a little from those great Chicago restaurants, but was loosing again right afterwards.

    The main curve ball in my weight loss recently came from an unexpected source – I’d been on Ambien for about 4 1/2 years and it was no longer helping me sleep at all. It seemed pointless to be on a drug that wasn’t working, so I stopped taking it. I went into a major carbohydrate crave. I remembered that once I started taking Ambien that I was eating a little less and found it a little easier to lose weight. So I gained about 10 pounds over the fall.

    I am back to being more careful about this again. It’s one thing to take a little vacation from watching what you eat I have about 40-50 pounds to lose, and it’ll probably take me some number of years.

    So, good luck. 40 pounds is really a great achievement.

  3. Kate

    I started following you, the greatest voice in all of Podcasting, on Twitter.

    Baring your soul on this courageous journey is awe inspiring.

    Keep the faith, keep moving forward after every stumble.

    And please, keep in mind who you’re doing this for. Keep doing this for you.

    You.
    Are.
    Worth.
    It.

    Good luck, and well done!

  4. Vince says:

    This journey is a hard one that will have missteps, but I’m so proud of you and what you’re doing, and how open and honest you are about it.

    Lots of hugs and support, dear friend!

  5. Marcin Straszny says:

    Hello,You doing the great job and just keep that way. There`s plenty of terrible addictions that You are free from, so enjoy your meals. It`s not easy to change, but You have best motivation.
    Try to count the stuff in kilograms, it`s less. If You start to have the VERY BIG BREAKFAST and eat less till 6pm, after then wait for VERY BIG BREAKFAST, it might help (tested on myself).

  6. Jacquie says:

    You are brave and beautiful.

    I’m struggling with having lost 83 pounds and then stopping dead 15 pounds before my goal. Your words to yourself feel like they’re written for me — but I’m not (haven’t been) as courageous as you, haven’t taken myself to task as boldly as you.

    THANK YOU for sharing this. I love listening to you read stories to me, and I love listening to you tell yourself and me to get ourselves together.

  7. Good for you. I am working my own struggle with this and you have no idea how this post gives me hope and inspiration. I came here from Mr. Scalzi’s blog as a result of your guest post and mallet wielding. I’m so glad that I did. If virtual support from someone you never met helps out at all, know that you have mine. And now I am going to go for a walk…

  8. Bart Clark says:

    Kate!

    Don’t give up…. I’m about to start…. All is relative….I weigh 205 pounds and should weigh about 175. I’ve had to start high blood pressure meds, high cholesterol meds, and an SSRI. None of which would likely be needed if I ate better, exercised, and lost the weight. And here’s the real kicker…I live on the second floor of an old renovated building…and on the first floor??? The 24 Hour fitness club my wife and I OWN!!! And I’m a therapist….I should KNOW better! Anyway….love your narrations….and stumbled upon your blog and wanted you to know that you sharing your battle is somehow encouraging to me! As Winston said….”never never never never give up!’

  9. Michael OHara says:

    Dear Kate,

    As a regular Clarkesworld podcast listener, I’ve never grown “used to” your marvelous narrations, and look forward to each new program. For some reason, tonight I looked you up and came across this blog. I watched your 281.7 video and, for the first time, had a face and a person to put to the voice that’s been such a comfort many late nights.

    I suspect it’s been a hard row to hoe since January, and hope you’ve not relinquished your goal – you’ve probably plateaued here and there, but tonight I just wanted to tell you there’s one more soul out there pulling for you. It’s the least I can do for you!

    Thank you for being you, and for all the listening pleasure you’ve given me – and all your Clarkesworld citizens. Don ‘t give up!

  10. Dear Kate
    I’ve been listening to clarkeworld and so found your blog. I am honored to witness your conversation with you. Its such a radical idea, having an audible/ visible /public talking -to like yours. I love the way you speak so lovingly yet firmly, batting away the excuses while you understand their source. So unblinking.
    Lord knows I’ve reprimanded myself many a time, but always easily evaded my thrusts. Your method promises to be more effective.
    Naturally i look at you and all you’ve accomplished (what is a slush reader (sic), per intro to ships brother?) And yet you have moments of such doubt that you too seek oblivion through chocolate…it makes me realize that if i can be weak like you, i can also be strong like you! My struggle is with procrastination and I’ve been dodging it. I need to sit myself down and talk straight, but honestly, Kate, it scares me. Can you keep us updated on your progress? Love, Julia

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