When Size 22 Is Too Small

As I write this, I am staring at a picture of myself that I took just this morning. Fresh out of the shower and naked. Boy, have I been lying to myself. Drooping breasts meet the first of two rolls on my stomach forming some sort of grotesque Muppet eyes and a smile. Following it downward, I can’t see between my legs. A tuft of hair is swallowed by two gigantic thighs. Turning to the side so I could judge my rear end, it just gets worse. I am amazed that I was able to squeeze into an airplane seat this past weekend. The buckle barely fit. I am also astounded that I haven’t knocked over more small children when I suddenly turn around.

Size 22 jeans don’t fit anymore. In fact, none of my clothes do. As I stood there waiting for the timer to expire on my camera, I thought how horrible it would be to have to go buy, bigger clothes. The thought makes me sick to my stomach.

I am fat. I am gigantic. I am the heaviest I have ever been. I am scared. I am fed up. I am angry with myself. I wanted to type the word, “depressed” there for just a moment, but it’s not depression anymore.  I have been making excuses for myself for far too long and it’s time that they fucking stop.

I’ve attempted weight loss before and have been successful, but I usually stop as soon as progress is made. It is a hangup I can’t quite seem to understand. My first week of Weight Watchers yielded a seven pound loss. Seven pounds! I gave up the next week, perhaps thinking I was Supergirl and I could see those results without really trying. As with any yo yo diet, I go down and then get even heavier than I was to start with. Four years ago, I was hovering around 285.

My weight today is 320 lbs. You may throw up now in disgust. I already have.

So what’s the plan? I’m going to treat this like any 12 step program. Today I have truly admitted that I have a problem. I have rejoined Weight Watchers. I am planning out my meals for the week. I have rid the house of anything tempting. I am going to the gym tonight and tomorrow night and the next.

I have always been able to fight for things that I believe in. It’s high time that I starting believing in myself.

7 thoughts on “When Size 22 Is Too Small

  1. Vince says:

    And use your network of friends to help you when you find it difficult. Carrying too much weight can have serious medical consequences, and we want our Katercakes around for a long, long time.

  2. Kate,

    Congratulations! Welcome to the 320 club! I myself topped out at an impressive 330, but feel no one else needs to go their now that I’ve climbed the peak.

    I, too, just rejoined WW after a few years topping the scales and testing the tensile strength of lycra, luon, duck canvas, denim and wool. Stick with it you’ll see results. A week isn’t enough for anyone. My MIL has been on it so long no one remembers her as heavy.

    Here’s to fruit, veggie’s and POINTS PLUS!!!

  3. Im the same way. I WANT to lose it – I know my gut is hanging out way too far…I can even feel my knees starting to hurt when I go up steps (could be old age too!) I just lack the motivation. I don’t have a reason to change slapping me in the face each day.

    Competition is always a good form of motivation – Maybe we should make a little group and compete at becoming healthier and reach the goal of pulling all those clothes out of the closet that we saved because we told ourselves we would fit in them again! I’d love to wear 34 waist jeans again – I dont even wear jeans anymore because sweat pants have elastic! I think if I went and bought a pair of jeans, they would have to be 42s or 44s.

  4. Kate, love, what’s sexy is your heart and mind, not your ass… AND, what’s sexy is confidence and great posture and carrying whatever the hell you have well.

    I understand the feeling – BOY do I understand it having just taken an underwear shot of myself for similar reasons – but remember to love yourself and take your weak self by the hand and lead her through this. Very few people make long-lasting positive change through resentment and anger and fear and self-flagellation – but many are very successful when they change because of love, respect and wanting to be better.

    More later – can I call you in the evening? I have been up to a 30, down to an 18, back up to a 28, back down to a 20, and now am hovering at a loose 24. I *get this*, and with lots of journaling and counseling have some thoughts on this.

    And remember – you are LOVED LOVED LOVED by many, and you need to add yourself to that list.

  5. Damian says:

    Remember, it’s not a diet, it’s making a change in your life for the long haul.

    I started the atkins diet in Jan and have lost 20+ lbs already. It’s not easy, and I can’t say that I enjoy doing it, but I can see results, which keeps driving me to do more.

    I invested some money in my own health and purchased the needed equipment to do the P90x program in my own home, which I started last Monday. It’s certainly not easy (can’t count the number of times I had to pause the vids so i could finish), but I can tell that it’s working.

    The point of all this isn’t to brag, it’s to show that with will and determination, even someone as flaky as me can pull this off.

    Just take things one step at a time, and break things down into manageable steps. One reason I decided to do the home workout is b/c it’s an hour long, and all i have to do is what they tell me, and make sure i keep pressing play each day. If I were left to my own devices, my sessions at a gym would be over in like 15 minutes cause i would quit early and leave.

    You can do this!

  6. I know how you feel Kate. A couple years ago I was a lot heavier than you are now, had trouble finding any clothes that would fit, started having knee pains and couldn’t walk up a set of stairs if my life depended on it. Like you I was beyond depressed. Then I decided that I was tired of living that way, tired of, well, being always tired. I started a monitored weight loss program and learned how to eat better. Last year I started practicing kendo and working out. I’m still a big guy, and probably always will be, but I’m in much better shape now and have a better handle on my weight and how I feel about it.

    You can do it. 🙂

  7. Steve Thompson says:

    Hi Kate, my wife did some serious dieting a few years ago, and found the best thing that encouraged weight loss was drinking eight pints (yes EIGHT PINTS) of water every day. She spent some time sat on the toilet! but lost loads of weight – seriously! might be worth trying, side effects – well, the obvious one! and she was cold all the time, other than that, just a massive weight loss. Good luck mate, I look forward to new pics of you the size of Kate Moss!!

    Steve

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