I’ve rejoined a gym.
I didn’t want to announce it for the fear that I would get a whole bunch of praise, only to drop it when I didn’t like it. Or the lazy would kick in and I would give excuse after excuse as to why I couldn’t go. But, I’m happy to say, I’m working on week number three and I’m pretty damn proud of myself.
You should see the motivational poster I’ve put right in front of me. I sat down one day, tired of arguing with myself about my weight and my food choices and my lack of exercise, and wrote a list of why I need to be healthy.
Some of them consist of:
1.) I want to fit comfortably in an airplane seat. I have a lot of travel coming up starting in September and I don’t want to try to make myself as small as possible because my ass and hips are taking up a little more seat than they should.
2.) I want to stop making jokes about my size. I’ve dealt with my weight by engaging in self-effacing humor. While I’m laughing that I just made a funny about my hips and jiggly bits, inside, it hurts. A lot.
3.) I want to keep up with my daughters on hikes at Girl Scout Camps. Honestly, I think this is what set me over the edge. I am a co-leader of a local troop. I was winded and red-faced on a light hike through the woods on a recent trip. I was so embarrassed. It was bad enough that I couldn’t deal with it. As my girls get older, I’m horrified at the thought that I am setting a bad example and that they would get teased or feel ashamed of me.
4.) I want to ride a bike, ski, and go to amusement parks again. My weight constantly stops me from partaking in fun stuff that I enjoyed doing when I was thin. I want to throw on some “Smells Like Teen Spirit” while tackling a mountain on skis. I want to be able to bike trails with my girls and get outside for some fun. I want to throw my hands up in the air while in the first car of that roller coaster.
5.) I want to be social. You don’t know how many times I’ve stopped myself from going out, meeting up with old friends, engaging new ones, because I was worried what people might think. I know — people like me for the person I am and not the poundage. However, that doesn’t translate to me at all. I hear those words, I just don’t feel them.
These were only some of the reasons I wrote down on my big sky blue poster board. A picture of me at Christmas accompanies the words as well. I am doing a poor job of hiding behind my five year old daughter. I don’t want to do that anymore either.
Underneath that is this dress: The dress I hope to wear to a convention in the fall at a size 14 or 16.
Today — I did a half hour of strength and agility training and a hour of Zumba. You know the pain that hits you and feel like you are dying? This pain is different. I finally feel alive.
Wish me motivation. I’m going to need it.