Why Most Horror Movies Suck

Okay, let me clarify. The title of the post should really have been, “Why Most Horror Movies that the SciFi Channel plays, Suck.”

As with most of the testosterone laden channels out there right now, everyone has some sort of monster movie marathon happening in the lead up to Halloween. Usually a History Channel or Discovery Channel addict, my father, who ever since I can remember, gets a grin and starts flipping through the senseless and copious amounts of B-movie stupidity.

I don’t watch much TV these days and I’m usually stuck in my home office working anyway, but I’ll occasionally take a bio or get some food, only to pass by the TV to walking zombies, killer dolls, or generally something that is spurting blood or screaming.

It was a few days ago, but when I went in the kitchen to grab a sandwich, there on the TV was a teenage girl going absolutely insane along side Mimi Rogers. Mimi ends up biting it near the end, I didn’t stick around to find out how, but the only thing I can think of is that she bled out from her ears after listening to the girl whine for a full half hour. In fact, I believe I came back out and the girl was still crying and hysterical in the same car, in the same seat, and pleaded with whatever killer to finish her off.

More recently, we were treated to some sort of zombie movie in the afternoon hours while the kids were in school.

As this is basically all I’ve seen, the SciFi channel will buy rights to a zombie movie with the specific criteria:

1.) One abandoned warehouse where one can house all secret-pseudo military operations
2.) One male protagonist who despite his cocky attitude and troubled past, is one hell of a nice guy
3.) One hawt female counterpart who has turned down advances from the male hero multiple times, only to fall in love with him as she does kickass battle beside him against hordes of zombies
4.) Multiple people playing zombies who overact their parts
5.) One actor who plays a role of international flavor, who usually shits all over nationality being played by sporting a horrible accent, or displaying bad stereotype
6.) One black dude who has, “seen it all”, but usually bites it (or gets bitten) regardless of any heroics
7.) One Mexican who playfully jabs the wholesome white guy only to point at the hawt female protagonist as she pulls camos over a slammin body and say, “I’d hit that”.
8.) One rich, white dude who funds the operation that turns everyone into zombies in the first place, only to get eaten in the end.
9.) Lots of blood, guts and body parts
10.) Lots of weapons
11.) No real plot required

Now, the issue I have with the Scifi channel is that they only seem to be buying the cheaply made b-movie crap-in-a-blender these days. I don’t recall watching anything good. With the exceptions of Battlestar Galactica and some would argue Dr. Who and Eureka, Scifi should just merge with SpikeTV and be done with it. I mean, they’ve already got boxing, and fake wrestling on, and I think I saw the daytime soap Passions, a while ago while I was lazily channel flipping.

IF you’re going to have an aptly named science fiction channel, strictly dedicated to science fiction, then it better play 24 hours of science fiction! Is that such a hard concept to fathom? Why not some decent movies? NBC owns Universal. Why can’t there be reciprocal SF offerings on both stations? Instead, the faithful will have to endure Starship Troopers (1,2,3) quality crud that we can’t stomach even with a bottle of Pepto.

Enjoy your killer (scientifically-altered, alien, animal) of the week preying upon small (towns, boats, children, hunters) and testosterone laden adventures into frivolity with shit such as Ghost Hunters and Scare Tactics, while I actually go find some good TV.

Posted in TV

3 thoughts on “Why Most Horror Movies Suck

  1. Vince says:

    I’m with Shawn, although it worked better as a comment on the current war in Iraq, which I think it was supposed at least at some level.

    I’ve never been a horror film fan, although some I’ve enjouyed, like Sleepy Hollow with Johnny Depp and Bram Stoker’s Dracula with Gary Oldman, Winona Ryder, and Anthony Hopkins.

    I like Eureka, and really like Dr. Who, although I can always get the latter on BBC America. I find most of the movies run on the channel really have nothing to do with SF at all. Which sucks.

    In the meantime, I can get shows like Farscape, which used to be on the channel, on DVD. Which makes me happy.

    On another note – you really need a TV in your home office. I have one in mine, along with two stereos, a DVD player and VCR, and movies and music galore. It helps me work, it does.

  2. Yeah, SciFi channel’s movies never look as good as they end up being. I was into Stargate SG1 for a while, but still haven’t finished that series or even thought about Atlantis. The wife and I do usually tune in for Ghost Hunters. I know their science is shakey at best, but the show creeps the shit out of me.

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